Episode 61 - Reflections on Caregiving & Grief from a Former Professor

Hey Professors,

It’s been a few months since I last recorded a new podcast episode for the Rise with Clarity Podcast. I took a necessary break from podcasting and from my business because, well, I experienced a major loss in my life. My father passed away at the end of July.

As some of you know—because I’ve talked about it on the podcast before in Episodes 33 (Caring for Aging Parents When You’re on the Tenure Track), 34 (Caring and Advocating for Aging Parents as Faculty), 35 (10 Tips for Coping with Caregiver Stress: Faculty Edition)—I was a full-time, primary caregiver for my dad for the past 3.5 years. And my father—who was a stroke survivor—required assistance with all activities of daily living and 24-hour care. Although I didn’t leave my faculty job because of my family situation, my dad’s stroke and his subsequent care certainly accelerated my decision to resign from my tenured faculty position in August 2023.

I’ve said before that becoming a caregiver was a job that I never interviewed for. It came unexpectedly, and during a difficult time of my professional career. I do feel like, in retrospect, it was one of the most meaningful jobs that I’ve had, and I’m so grateful that I could support my father during the final chapters of his life.

I feel like I learned so much from his own journey of his stroke survival and rehabilitation.

In this 61^st episode of the Rise with Clarity Podcast, I wanted to offer some preliminary reflections on why I believe it’s very important to acknowledge and to be able to share more openly about our experiences with caregiving, in particular elder caregiving.

Caregiving, Grief, and the Academic Life

My experience with grief is still very raw. At the time of this recording, only 45 days will have passed since my dad’s death. In early July we placed my dad on home hospice care. His decline thereafter was fairly rapid and he passed away at the end of the month. In accordance with his wishes, he transitioned peacefully at home. And my mom and I were with him when he took his last breaths.

To be honest, August was mostly a blur. There were all of the things that needed to happen after the death of a loved one. Certain aspects of the planning were very stressful and required a kind of attention to detail that I somehow was able to summon in the moment. Fortunately, everything went smoothly and the memorial events (there were 2 of them) were very meaningful.

Afterwards, however, I crashed—and couldn’t do much of anything. For instance, I had intended to record a new podcast episode earlier this month—and I just couldn’t get myself to do much but sleep and have a few meetings here and there.

I feel as though things are now slowly coming back into focus, with occasional bouts of brain fog and fatigue.

I often think of the fact that my caregiving journey so closely coincided with my dad’s stroke, my last year as a faculty member and also the launch of Rise with Clarity. Can I just say that 2023 was peak-crisis and peak-intense year for me?

Had I stayed on in my faculty position, I would have had to take a combination of family medical leave and unpaid leave in order to provide care for my dad. And I can only wonder how incredibly difficult it would be to resume my professorial duties, so soon after my loss this summer and at the start of a new academic year.

I’m pretty sure that I would be struggling intensely, even if I felt the pressure to seem outwardly composed.

I would have had to perform a certain level of stoicism and stability to others in the work environment. And in many ways, that expectation is built into academic culture.

People feel uncomfortable talking about aging, end-of-life care, and death. These are not topics that many workplaces make room for us to discuss openly.

Academia also privileges the life of the mind. It’s difficult or even professionally inadvisable to bring in our whole selves into the work environment.

Academics can abstractly and critically and theoretically engage with loss and grief in their research, but many have a harder time sharing their own personal stories of loss and grief with their colleagues.

And, of course, showing one’s cracks or vulnerabilities in combination with reduced productivity is professionally risky. Faculty may worry that their colleagues will perceive them as weak, uncommitted, unreliable, or lacking the executive function to fulfill their roles.

All of these factors make disclosing challenges related to caregiving duties or to coping with grief and loss very tricky.

And as a result, many faculty seek support outside of their institutions. Or they develop their own coping strategies and handle this on their own.

But the thing is, nearly all of us will, at some point in our lives, give or receive care, experience loss, and experience sometimes overwhelming grief.

And yet our workplaces—especially higher ed workplaces—do not accommodate these major life circumstances very well.

Sometimes there’s a season of your professional life when you are unable to be consistently productive, mentally focused, emotionally regulated, and also fully available.

And a season is longer than a 3-day bereavement leave.

I think we need to acknowledge that many faculty members will go through these experiences of becoming a caregiver, needing a caregiver, managing both elder and child care, navigating end-of-life and death, and moving through grief.

We shouldn’t have to feel ashamed when we are barely holding it together, unable to focus, or not be able to make progress on a book, or another important project.

Sometimes, there is no quick return to a kind of “normal” because grief has somehow rearranged all of the wiring within you.

Caregivers Need Care, Too

Earlier this summer, I found out that I was selected as a Care Fellow through Caring across Generations, which is a national advocacy organization and coalition working to transform elder care, childcare, and care infrastructure in the United States.

The news of my fellowship came at a time when my father’s health was beginning to decline. And so it was bittersweet to come to terms with the fact that this fellowship would likely start during the final stages of my dad’s life.

As it turned out, my dad passed away the morning of the fellowship’s Orientation session.

July 30 was also the same day as the last planned session of my “Writing Support for Faculty Caregivers” program–a new group coaching program that I piloted this summer.

Needless to say, I had to cancel both meetings.

Everyone involved understood, and extended their grace and compassion.

I was later able to watch a recording of the Orientation session and also reschedule the final session of my own group coaching program.

I feel very fortunate right now that I’m able to be open about my situation with the different communities that I am part of and to my clients. I’m able to move at my own pace as I adjust to new rhythms, routines, and realities.

I’d say I have a pretty good support system, and I’m leaning into that right now. There are some other wonderful resources out there—like Anderson Cooper’s All There Is Podcast that I’ll go ahead and put the link to in the written transcript for this episode as well as some other resources that might be helpful for you, too.

If you’re listening to this episode while going through caregiving challenges or grieving the death of someone you love—I just want to say this: even when it feels isolating, you are certainly not alone.

I know that a lot of folks are struggling right now, often in ways that are not visible to the people around them.

I also want to say that I see your labor of coordinating care, attending appointments, calling insurance, supporting your loved ones, managing crises, all while trying to keep up your professional duties at the same time.

I hope that you can learn to give yourself more compassion than your institution—or even your inner critic—may be offering you.

If you find yourself struggling, please feel free to reach out anytime.

I’m happy to listen and when I can, point you in the right direction in terms of resources.

And if you are navigating elder caregiving duties while also trying to manage writing goals, please have a listen to Episode 57 (A New Program: Writing Support for Faculty Caregivers).

I’m going to continue to offer the “Writing Support for Faculty Caregivers,” program, enrolling faculty into small groups on a rolling basis. Write to me at Katherine at RisewithClarity.com to learn more.

That’s all for today. Please take care of yourselves.

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Additional Resources

Podcasts

All There Is, hosted by Anderson Cooper

Grieving in Color, hosted by Dr. Chinasa Elue

Happy, Healthy Caregiver Podcast, hosted by Elizabeth Miller

Books/Articles

The 36 Hour Day: A Family Guide to Caring for People Who Have Alzheimer Disease and Other Dementias (by Nancy L. Mace, MA, and Peter V. Rabins, MD, MPH)

Generation Care: The New Culture of Caregiving by Jennifer N. Levin

“How to Be a Caregiver While Caring for Your Own Career” by Dr. Manya Whitaker