Episode 35 - 10 Tips for Coping with Caregiver Stress: Faculty Edition [Pt. 3]

Hi Professors,

Are you new to caring for an aging parent or parents? If so, I want you to let you know that I’m thinking of you and your loved ones on this challenging journey.

I started my own caregiving journey in quite an unexpected way, after my father had a serious and debilitating stroke over 2 years ago. For part of this time, I was a tenured faculty member, struggling to manage my professional duties with my new role as a caregiver and as a patient advocate. I felt like I was completely unprepared for many of the challenges that I experienced during most of 2023, which I consider to be one of the most difficult years of my life.

Now that I’m out of academia, I am still a full-time caregiver for my father. I’m doing this while I also run my coaching and consulting business, Rise with Clarity, part-time. It’s been a pretty steep learning curve for me, and I continue to learn on my caregiving journey. And this is a journey which seems to have very different phases and different levels of intensity.

This is Part 3 of a short series on Faculty Caregiving that I’m releasing. If you haven’t had a chance to check out the first 2 episodes, please feel free to listen to those as well. In Episode 33, “Caring for Aging Parents When You’re on the Tenure Track,” I talk about some of the challenges that arise when you’re trying to care for aging parents while also managing the demands of your professorship. And in Episode 34, “Caring and Advocating for Aging Parents as Faculty”, I discuss a little bit about my journey as a caregiver and as a patient advocate for my father when he was first in the hospital.

I’d like to share 10 tips as well as several resources that I have found helpful during my caregiving journey. Since I won’t be able to cover all of the resources in the audio version, I’m going to put links to many of the resources in the full written transcript.

To be honest, there are times right now when I feel really overwhelmed and exhausted as a caregiver. My father requires assistance with all activities of daily living as well as 24-hour observation. Everything in my life right now centers on the care of my father. And the past three months have been very challenging for my family, as my father’s health has had some major setbacks. In late December there was a hospital stay and since then, there have been lots of ups and downs.

Caregiver stress is real. And it can impact your physical, mental, and emotional health. It can also have a significant impact on your financial situation, depending on whether or not your parents have made the preparations for long-term care arrangements.

If you’re new to caregiving, here are some signs that you may be experiencing caregiver stress. And I’m drawing this list from resources for caregivers who provide care for loved ones with Alzheimer’s or dementia.

10 Signs of Caregiver Stress

• Denial about the disease and its effect on your loved one.

• Anger about limited treatment and that others don’t understand.

• Social Withdrawal from events that used to seem fun.

• Anxiety about the future and facing another day.

• Depression affects your ability to cope.

• Exhaustion keeps you from completing necessary daily tasks.

• Sleeplessness caused by a never-ending list of concerns.

• Irritability leads to moodiness and negative responses and reactions.

• Lack of concentration when performing familiar tasks.

• Health problems begin to take their toll, mentally and physically.

I’ve cycled through most of these…but exhaustion and lack of concentration come up frequently for me. I used to be someone who used to be able power through and work for several hours on a conference paper and come up with a draft. Or I would pull an all-nighter to get a grant application in. (By the way, I don’t recommend doing the latter!)

Well, those times are long gone for me. First of all, my time now is very fragmented. I count myself lucky if I have one hour of uninterrupted time to work that isn’t already reserved for my coaching sessions.

Second, because there are often more pressing concerns that deal directly with my father’s health and well-being, my own work takes a back seat. In the times when I’m not actively providing care for my father, I’m picking up medications, communicating with doctor’s offices, running errands, or ordering medical supplies. And at the end of the day, when I do have a few hours to myself after my father has gone to sleep, I only have the bandwidth to watch a Hot Ones episode.

I often think about how much more difficult this would be if I were still in the academy. I know that I would have had to make arrangements to either go on family medical leave or to have taken an unpaid leave of absence. And I likely would have had to defer going up for my next merit evaluation—which in the case of tenured faculty—would not have had severe consequences. But if I was still junior faculty, this would have certainly impacted my ability to focus on my book and my preparations for the tenure portfolio.

I don’t know how one can be a full or partial-time caregiver while also being a full-time faculty member, without experiencing incredible amounts of stress. Or without dropping balls. And if you’re a woman of color professor, it’s often the case that you may be the primary caregiver in addition to raising your own children. And this is all the while navigating this crazy moment in the academy.

So if you are new to this kind of situation, and you are feeling completely underwater right now, here are 10 practical suggestions that I have for you.

10 Tips for Coping with Caregiver Stress as a Faculty Member

1. Look at your institution’s guidelines on taking family medical leave. This would allow you to take time off to care of a family member with a serious medical condition. This policy should be stated somewhere in an academic personnel manual that your university makes available to all of its faculty.

If you’re unable to find this information, you may have to reach out to someone in HR.

You’ll want to know what constitutes eligibility, whether you have FMLA credits, what kind of documentation you may need to provide, and what your employee rights and responsibilities are.

And if you are pre-tenure, you may also want to inquire with your Chair or your Dean about the possibility of having the tenure clock stopped.

2. If you are unable to take a leave of any sort, take a good hard look at everything that you have on your plate right now.

Can you hire an in-home caregiver or a respite care aide if you are the one who is providing care? If your parent has the financial means, are they able to move into an assisted living facility which may relieve you of some of the caregiving burden?

On the faculty end of things, what kind of commitments can you gracefully withdraw from or postpone? Can you work with your Chair to shift some of teaching responsibilities to another term? Or ask for a grader one semester in order to assist with grading?

How can you manage some of your own expectations for your own work so that you do not berate yourself for not getting all of your work done?

3. Join an online support group. If caregiving is new to you, there will be lots of things that you will be learning as you go.

What are the best walking assist devices?

What are the best therapies for someone with dysphagia?

Where is the best neuro related physical therapy clinic near you?

And can you apply for a disability parking placard for your loved one who needs to be driven to all of their appointments? (And the answer to that last one is yes.)

Early on in my caregiving journey, I joined two online support groups—one for stroke caregivers and another one for thalamic stroke recovery and support—and they have been lifelines and I have been able to learn a lot from other caregivers.

4. If your parents have not already made these preparations, consider looking into a local legal agency that supports senior citizens with pro bono services.

Several months after my father was hospitalized, I went ahead and signed up for an appointment at the Elder Law & Advocacy Center in our county in order to draw up legal paperwork for a health and financial power of attorney and a will. It took several weeks for a lawyer to meet with us, but we eventually had all of the necessary paperwork drawn up after our meeting.

And on a related note, you can also begin the discussion with your parents about an advanced directive.

5. Don’t be afraid or ashamed to ask for help! Or to receive it when it’s offered.

When my father first came home from the hospital after his stroke, I had no idea how all-encompassing his care would entail. A few weeks in, I realized that we desperately needed to hire a respite care professional—someone who we still work with today and who is awesome.

Additionally, I had two amazing friends (you know who you are)—who organized a Meal Train for my family, which went on for several months. I didn’t even know that such a thing existed. But it became a wonderful gift and treat for us—each Thursday—to look forward to a meal that was given to us by my friends. And I will forever be grateful to all of my friends who participated in that Meal Train.

6. Similar to the online support group, you can also seek out other faculty caregivers to connect with.

There may be somebody on your campus or in your field that you can connect with and compare notes with. They may be people outside of your family that can understand the depths of the stress that you are experiencing.

And if you are struggling to manage writing projects, joining a writing support group can also be a good idea. Dr. Candace Epps-Robertson, founder of Full Circle Writing, offers writing support groups and she is also committed to working with caregivers. I’ll provide the link to her website in the transcript.

7. Consider other support systems that you may need to implement.

This could include hiring an elder care consultant or coach, who can help you to navigate the labyrinth of the US healthcare system and determine the appropriate levels of care for your loved one.

An area agency on aging—like The Senior Alliance in Wayne County, Michigan—can also help to advocate for resources like respite care, in-home care, or cleaning services.

Certain states also have programs in place to allow for caregivers to receive modest compensation.

And recently, a dear friend of mine, who is a certified end-of-life-doula lived with us for the past few weeks during a critical juncture. Not only did she provide daily caregiving support, but she also gave us much-needed emotional support as well.

8. Dealing with anticipatory grief and grief may be some of the most challenging experiences you will deal with as a human. And of course, navigating this emotional terrain (and the logistics that follow the death of a loved one) may interfere with your ability to focus on your teaching, research, and writing.

I wish that we didn’t have to be so stoic about this in the workplace. It’s almost like grieving is revealing your vulnerability to your colleagues; acknowledging that you loved another person; admitting your heartbreak and your distress.

And yes, during this time, you may not have been able to make progress on your article revisions. And that’s okay.

Let’s try and break from this expectation and this assumption that we always be impenetrable, hyperproductive workhorses, steeped in grind culture.

Or that we need to be ashamed that we didn’t submit an article during the year that our loved one was undergoing a grave illness.

And if you happen to be at an institution that does penalize you for this, then maybe you want to ask yourself: is this a place where you want to stay? And where you feel supported and where you can thrive and grow?

9. There are some really excellent resources that I’d like to share with you on grief and grieving.

The first one is Dr. Chinasa Elue’s “Grieving in Color Podcast”—which is a podcast that explores the many shades of grief, and how we navigate loss while finding courage to celebrate life’s vibrancy. I found her episode on “Anticipatory Grief” with Dr. Kamesha Spates to be incredibly poignant and helpful.

Two other resources I would point to are Anderson Cooper’s “All There Is” Podcast and pretty much all of the work of grief expert David Kessler.

10. Lastly, the adage that one cannot pour from an empty cup is very easily said. But it’s hard to put into practice, especially when the caregiving and your faculty duties are relentless.

It’s hard to justify taking time off for yourself.

Perhaps it can start with something very small that you intentionally build into your schedule—so that you remember to do it.

I can’t say that I’m particularly good at caring for myself—but I am trying to schedule in a little bit of me-time during the week.

Oddly enough, doing this podcast—which I initially designed to help women of color faculty—has also given me the opportunity to claim my own time. It gives me a practical goal to work on when it seems like there are so many other competing forces preventing me from attending to my own work.

And as for other ways of “caring for the caregiver”…let’s just say it takes a while to unlearn all of routines from academia. But, it is something that I’m working on!

I know that I’ve gone through a lot here. Please take a look at the written transcript when you have time. I’ve included a lot of extra resources there for you.

If you are currently on this caregiving journey, I wish you all the best. And do feel free to reach out to me if you would ever like to speak to somebody who understands a little bit about the complexities of this path.

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Additional Resources

Support Groups (for Caregivers of Stroke Survivors)

Stroke Caregivers Support Group (Facebook)

https://www.facebook.com/groups/3213888985328704

Thalamic Stroke and Recovery

https://www.facebook.com/groups/1199516286729183

Social Media Pages

I Am Gertrude Jordan: Instagram page

https://www.instagram.com/iamgertrudejordan/?hl=en

Ty Lewis

https://www.incaseiforgetconsulting.com